Shit Wendy Knows

If you take any kind of diet supplement - metabolizers, diuretics, laxatives, caffeine - please, for the love of all that’s holy, DON’T FART!

There is a better than even chance your little toot will leave you with a big mess. Never trust a fart, as they say.

This can’t be stressed enough.

Always remove batteries from sex toys when traveling by air. Put them in checked luggage. You do not want to be mistaken for a terrorist just because you enjoy onanism.

If you only get one day off in a beautiful, sunny week, it will be the day it rains. See also: buttered toast always lands butter side down.

Pour isopropyl rubbing alcohol into stinky running shoes to kill stinky bacteria.

Never, ever measure vanilla.

Potassium helps prevent muscle cramps. After working out, have a banana or a cucumber. Stay hydrated.

Putting cooling men’s shaving gel on the outer labia after personal grooming is downright fun. Seriously. Try it.

Do not stack wood while wearing flip flops. I just learned that one. Ouch.

Don’t fuck bloggers.

Take pity on heroin addicts; they’re chronically constipated.

As tempting as it may seem, do NOT treat frostbite with hot water! Don’t do it! Use very cool water, gradually increasing to lukewarm (whoever Luke was… whatever). 

That said, I know you’re going to completely ignore me and go with your gut, and your gut says hot water. When you’re done screaming in agony, please take a moment to know that I’m telling you “I TOLD YOU SO!!!” across the miles. That is all.

A sprinkling of salt takes away the heartburn-inducing acid in pineapple. Otherwise I’d never be able to eat the damn stuff!

The grip of a debilitating anxiety attack is NOT the time to teach yourself deep breathing and meditation. Practice when you’re calm, and the skills will be there when you need them most.

Defined abs are cooked up in the kitchen, not crunched out in the gym. There’s no visible return on your hard work if you cover it up with the bloat of refined flour and sugar. Step away from the bagel!

The olfactory sense (smell) is the strongest memory trigger. Don’t overwhelm yourself with unnecessary scent by tarting up your home to smell like a lavender/vanilla/citrus bordello inhabited by Coco Chanel. Keep fake stink to a minimum in order to keep your sense for scents sharp.

There is no food that can’t be improved with a teaspoon of Sambal Oeleck hot pepper sauce.

Spring skiing is like frosh week for skiers. Dopey outfits and excessive drunkenness.

“Graphic designer,” for men, is code for “gay prostitute.” You’re welcome.