Shit Wendy Knows

If you take any kind of diet supplement - metabolizers, diuretics, laxatives, caffeine - please, for...

Wed, 04 Jul 2012 17:53:11 -0400

If you take any kind of diet supplement - metabolizers, diuretics, laxatives, caffeine - please, for the love of all that’s holy, DON’T FART!

There is a better than even chance your little toot will leave you with a big mess. Never trust a fart, as they say.

This can’t be stressed enough.

Always remove batteries from sex toys when traveling by air. Put them in checked luggage. You do not...

Mon, 02 Jul 2012 13:29:25 -0400

Always remove batteries from sex toys when traveling by air. Put them in checked luggage. You do not want to be mistaken for a terrorist just because you enjoy onanism.

If you only get one day off in a beautiful, sunny week, it will be the day it rains. See also:...

Tue, 26 Jun 2012 23:42:49 -0400

If you only get one day off in a beautiful, sunny week, it will be the day it rains. See also: buttered toast always lands butter side down.

Pour isopropyl rubbing alcohol into stinky running shoes to kill stinky bacteria.

Wed, 06 Jun 2012 17:58:20 -0400

Pour isopropyl rubbing alcohol into stinky running shoes to kill stinky bacteria.

Never, ever measure vanilla.

Wed, 30 May 2012 22:54:30 -0400

Never, ever measure vanilla.

Potassium helps prevent muscle cramps. After working out, have a banana or a cucumber. Stay...

Sun, 29 Apr 2012 10:20:21 -0400

Potassium helps prevent muscle cramps. After working out, have a banana or a cucumber. Stay hydrated.

Putting cooling men’s shaving gel on the outer labia after personal grooming is downright fun....

Thu, 26 Apr 2012 10:29:12 -0400

Putting cooling men’s shaving gel on the outer labia after personal grooming is downright fun. Seriously. Try it.

Do not stack wood while wearing flip flops. I just learned that one. Ouch.

Sat, 21 Apr 2012 11:01:54 -0400

Do not stack wood while wearing flip flops. I just learned that one. Ouch.

Don’t fuck bloggers.

Wed, 18 Apr 2012 23:20:03 -0400

Don’t fuck bloggers.

Take pity on heroin addicts; they’re chronically constipated.

Thu, 12 Apr 2012 01:08:34 -0400

Take pity on heroin addicts; they’re chronically constipated.

As tempting as it may seem, do NOT treat frostbite with hot water! Don’t do it! Use very cool...

Mon, 09 Apr 2012 21:37:39 -0400

As tempting as it may seem, do NOT treat frostbite with hot water! Don’t do it! Use very cool water, gradually increasing to lukewarm (whoever Luke was… whatever).

That said, I know you’re going to completely ignore me and go with your gut, and your gut says hot water. When you’re done screaming in agony, please take a moment to know that I’m telling you “I TOLD YOU SO!!!” across the miles. That is all.

A sprinkling of salt takes away the heartburn-inducing acid in pineapple. Otherwise I’d never...

Mon, 09 Apr 2012 19:24:32 -0400

A sprinkling of salt takes away the heartburn-inducing acid in pineapple. Otherwise I’d never be able to eat the damn stuff!

The grip of a debilitating anxiety attack is NOT the time to teach yourself deep breathing and...

Fri, 06 Apr 2012 09:44:04 -0400

The grip of a debilitating anxiety attack is NOT the time to teach yourself deep breathing and meditation. Practice when you’re calm, and the skills will be there when you need them most.

Defined abs are cooked up in the kitchen, not crunched out in the gym. There’s no visible...

Fri, 06 Apr 2012 09:28:37 -0400

Defined abs are cooked up in the kitchen, not crunched out in the gym. There’s no visible return on your hard work if you cover it up with the bloat of refined flour and sugar. Step away from the bagel!

The olfactory sense (smell) is the strongest memory trigger. Don’t overwhelm yourself with...

Thu, 05 Apr 2012 12:44:35 -0400

The olfactory sense (smell) is the strongest memory trigger. Don’t overwhelm yourself with unnecessary scent by tarting up your home to smell like a lavender/vanilla/citrus bordello inhabited by Coco Chanel. Keep fake stink to a minimum in order to keep your sense for scents sharp.

There is no food that can’t be improved with a teaspoon of Sambal Oeleck hot pepper sauce.

Wed, 04 Apr 2012 21:35:51 -0400

There is no food that can’t be improved with a teaspoon of Sambal Oeleck hot pepper sauce.

Spring skiing is like frosh week for skiers. Dopey outfits and excessive drunkenness.

Sat, 31 Mar 2012 16:37:00 -0400

Spring skiing is like frosh week for skiers. Dopey outfits and excessive drunkenness.

“Graphic designer,” for men, is code for “gay prostitute.” You’re...

Sat, 31 Mar 2012 08:26:02 -0400

“Graphic designer,” for men, is code for “gay prostitute.” You’re welcome.